For the - let’s see, I think it’s the 582nd quadrillionth time - I found myself driving behind someone talking on a cellphone, traveling about 20 mph below the speed limit and leaving the equivalent of 37 Gillette Stadiums between themselves and the car in front of them.
Initially I thought now would be a good time to simply approve the proposal to ban all cellphone use while driving. Less accidents, less road rage, better flow of traffic, etc.
But then, since I had all this time doing 25 in a 50mph zone, I began to think outside the box. We’ve been approaching this from the wrong direction.
Instead of banning the use of cellphones, or texting and emailing by drivers...keep up with the times. Make the skill of driving while using a cellphone mandatory! You can’t get a license, either new or renewal, until you show a proficiency to operate a motor vehicle in various situations while simultaneously using a cellphone.
Think of the new road tests.
Operator must be able to successfully drive their vehicle down a crowded city street appropriately stopping at all traffic lights, avoiding all (or most) pedestrians, all the while texting their boss that they’re in the parking lot and won’t be late for the 3rd day in a row.
Operator must make a legal lane change on a highway traveling 78 mph (flow of traffic Your Honor, flow of traffic) while discussing the latest sales spreadsheet with their next big client.
Operator must show the ability to receive an incoming call from Aunt Mary about what she can bring to dinner next Sunday, without decelerating more than 2mph traveling on a two lane road so that other drivers behind them cannot detect they’re on a call.
Operator must be able to approach a parking space, using the appropriate signal, (they do still install these in cars don’t they?) and parallel park their vehicle while sending an email to the Registry asking for a personalized license plate that says, “HowUDoin”.
Think of how many drivers will lose their license and how great the traveling will be for those that can pass the test. Shorter commutes, no more road rage. Think of the number of people who’ll lose their ability to drive and become dependent on mass transit. It’s a gold mine of possibilities if implemented correctly.
Of course, Detroit and Japan won’t be happy with the major crash in demand for new autos, but hey, all of the world’s problems can’t be solved in one day.
