My Nomination for the Single Dumbest Sentence Ever Written

Today while perusing the Internet, I came across The Single Dumbest Sentence Ever Written. There may be others that challenge it, hell, maybe I’ve written worse, but I submit to you, today I found the one.

The other night my wife grumbled about Christmas shopping remaining to be done, mainly for me because I had not provided any ideas. Since the pandemic, I have been playing my keyboard a lot and I decided I would help my wife out and look at a songbook publishing site to see if there was one I might like to play. I came across a Frank Sinatra songbook for piano, SINATRA STANDARDS FOR PIANISTS.

First, some background. I was born in 1961. At home, music was constantly in the background, played either on a phonograph or on the radio. My parents’ preference of music in those days was the sounds of the big bands of the ‘40s and ‘50s. Over time, there were a few voices that I grew to recognize and enjoy, Tony Bennett, Perry Como, and of course Frank Sinatra. I vividly remember a couple of Sinatra songs as being the first songs I ever loved, “Strangers in the Night” and “Summer Wind”.

As I grew, my brother, who was 6 years older than me, began to influence my taste in music, introducing me to the sounds of the ‘60s with the likes of The Beatles, Buffalo Springfield, etc. He though had also become a huge Sinatra fan and we listened to tons of Sinatra records from the ‘40s, ‘50s, ‘60s, and by then, the ‘70s. (To this day, The Main Event, a live television broadcast from Madison Square Garden in October 1974, remains one of my favorite albums.)

Given this background and context, without further ado, I humbly present The Single Dumbest Sentence Ever Written. The description for the songbook SINATRA STANDARDS FOR PIANISTS begins:

“Ever wonder what songs identified with Frank Sinatra would sound like in the same arrangements, but with a piano substituted for the voice?” [emphasis added]

UM, NO, HELL NO! The answer is contained in the last 2 words of the sentence, Frank Sinatra= the voice.

That Time I Made Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins

On Facebook last week, someone posted the recipe for Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins. Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins either evoke a mouthwatering reaction or they don’t. I’m in the former category.  Today I made them, sort of.

I retrieved all of the ingredients from the cupboards, a mixing bowl, muffin pan, electric beaters, utensils and I was ready to go. What transpired next was anything but the Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffin recipe.

Step one: Slowly cream the butter and sugar. With laser focus I began, unfortunately when I initially read the recipe my brain read, “Slowly cream the butter and flour.” As I plunged the beaters into the bowl containing the butter and flour, white powdery plumes began floating and flying out of the bowl. I immediately stopped the process and consulted the recipe. “Slowly cream the butter and sugar.” This also explains the step that called for “Sift the dry ingredients,” which I sneered and mocked on my first read through since the flour was already accounted for in the bowl. This is stupid I thought, I guess I’ll sift the sugar and baking powder, whatever.

I looked at the bowl and had a critical decision to make. Dump and start over or keep forging ahead. Drawing inspiration from Bluto in Animal House, “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” No! I marched onward.

I know, especially with baking recipes, that chemistry can be crucial to the order of ingredients but I wasn’t fond of wasting the stick of butter and 2 cups of flour. I decided screw chemistry (honestly I hated the subject in high school anyway), I would simply add all of the ingredients and give it a mix. I cracked the two eggs and threw them in along with the ½ cup of milk.

Next came the sugar. I got the ½ cup and began filling it…with salt. Luckily I caught my error and aborted before adding it to the bowl. I added the proper amount of sugar, salt, and baking powder. Next came the vanilla. As I looked at the recipe and found the amount for vanilla my eyes wandered one line up and I saw 2 Tablespoons. I poured one and added into the bowl and as I began pouring the 2^nd one I thought, “I haven’t done a lot of baking but I don’t ever remember using this much vanilla. I consulted the recipe again and saw it called for 1 teaspoon of vanilla. So they’ll be a little more “vanilla-ey,” I like vanilla.

I combined the ingredients in a bowl, folding in a small amount of crushed blueberries and it looked pretty much like muffin batter to me. I decided in the interest of a good mix, I would go back to the electric beaters. As they began spinning, the beaters pulled the thick batter in and basically 75% of what was in the bowl had collected around them. I scraped the batter from the beaters, another disaster averted.

I decided to quit while I was ahead and transferred the batter into the muffin pan. When I first announced I wanted to make the muffins, Katie had researched that the recipe would make 10 muffins. I filled the muffin pan as directed and lo and behold I had 10 muffins ready to go!

When the oven finished preheating, I placed the pan in the oven, closed the door, set the timer and felt confident I had navigated all of the self-inflicted landmines. I laughed to myself that if the muffins came out fine I would share my experience. As I mentally began drafting the story, I realized one more thing, I hadn’t added any sugar to the tops of the muffins. Twelve minutes into the baking process, I removed the muffins from the oven, sloppily added sugar to the partially cooked tops and returned them into the oven.

At the 30 minute mark, I removed the muffins from the oven and placed on a wire rack. After cooling for twenty minutes I took one out, still warm, added butter. They came out perfect, absolutely delicious! Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins, pfffftt, no problem.

Ramblings of Working from Home and the Wartime President

Although we’ve been together for more than 20 years, with the current situation and Katie working from home, we’re still learning more about each other.

During pillow talk last night, OK everybody calm down, Katie shared that this isolation is a little difficult for her.

She said, “I know you want to lighten things up and make me laugh, but sometimes I don’t feel like laughing.”  

To which I responded, “There’s never a time when I don’t feel like laughing.” Truth be told I once laughed hysterically during a funeral procession. That’s what happens when my brother and I get together but that’s a whole other story.

My survival instinct is to find the absurdity in current events and try to use humor to get through it.

I know the following will piss off some friends but since the current administration is now implying that my life is less valuable than the almighty US dollar, I really don’t give a rat’s ass. I know he said “senior citizens and at risk populations will be watched closely” but I ask, “Watch us what…die?”

So please read the following in the spirit in which it was written, the spirit of fear and loathing.

Recently the president has been referring to himself as a Wartime President. I’m beginning to think instead that we’ve got Neville Chamberlain incarnate here and we’re going the way of Great Britain prior to WWII.

“I just got off the phone with Germany! The call was perfect, it was a perfect call! That Adolf, he’s a tremendous guy, he really is and he’s doing a tremendous job over there, tremendous! I really think this is all going to go away and we’ll all be fine! And I’m right A LOT!”

What we desperately need now, and by “we” I mean the entire human race, is another Winston Churchill. Anybody? Bueller?

PS. I also don’t believe SNL is on hiatus. I think they’ve thrown in the towel. You can’t possibly make this shit up!

What a Difference Nine Months Make

Most who have read previous entries of this blog know that for me, 2019 was a hell of a year, with the emphasis on HELL. Once my cancer treatment was well underway my daily life had changed so dramatically that I lived hour to hour. What day it was didn’t matter.

Each day began with making sure I ate breakfast and the daily calorie count was underway. After breakfast, a little bit of exercise followed by a shower. Next, a trip downstairs to the family room where much of the day was spent staring down the barrel of a life-threatening disease, clock watching pondering what sustenance would be consumed next, a little TV, some web browsing, more clock watching, a short walk in the yard, dinner, more TV, reading in bed, sleep. Rinse, repeat.

Fast forward to today. Each day begins with…hmmm, never mind, I guess not much has changed after all. Well, one thing has changed, nine months ago I was resigned to the fact that all of my hair was going to fall out. It didn’t and now with social distancing and businesses closed, I’m thinking I might finally get that ponytail I always wanted when I was younger! Stay safe everyone.