What the world needs now… is a Beach Czar. I’ll take the job.

There are all kinds of snobs: food snobs, wine snobs, interior design snobs, automobile snobs. I admit it, I’m a beach snob; not in the sense that I will only go to certain beaches, but rather I am confident in my Beach Skills (BS). Yes, I’ve been going to the beach for nearly a half-century so I do have quite a cache of experience. But really, most of my BS is common sense.

It’s summertime in New England again. The BS of many beachgoers still amazes me. If I were the Beach Czar, I would require at least one member of each group attending the beach to show a permit certifying they have passed my Beach Aptitude Test (BAT). Without it, “No Beach For You!”

BAT BS #1

Setting up camp

Q. When deciding upon where to setup you’re stuff, what should be the minimum distance between you and your neighbor?

A. Ten feet. MINIMUM. On a recent afternoon, we returned from the water to our stuff and a family had setup in front of us so close that if I sat in my chair all I would have seen was the chair umbrella of the fool who just arrived. Mind you the beach was not crowded, it was about 4:30pm. The amount of open space was plentiful, yet these folks had to sit directly in front of us. I passive/aggressively said loud enough for the Dad to hear, “At least I’ll have a great view of his umbrella…” The man looked embarrassed when he realized how close they were and proceeded to close the umbrella then hurry off to the water with his son.

Exception: If it is ridiculously crowded, the 10 feet minimum may not apply. If you insist on going to an overcrowded beach: Deal.

View this conceptual video of how to divvy up real estate on a beach. (Use your imagination, it’s in there.)

BAT BS #2

Umbrellas

Q. Whose responsibility is it to ensure your umbrella is securely anchored?

A. YOURS!

Follow-up Q: If your umbrella seems a bit flimsy or is not fully-secured and it’s windy and you are going for a walk or down to the water, what should you do?

A. CLOSE THE UMBRELLA!

Not sure this needs an explanation. There’s nothing scarier (OK, maybe a shark) than watching a pointed metal spear blowing down a beach seeking something to stick itself into to come to a stop.

These work great and cost about 5 bucks.

BAT BS #3

Food Security

Q. When packing non-perishables to carry onto the beach, what kind of bag should you NOT use?

A. Plastic grocery bags.

This BS is really stunning to watch. Over time (lots of prior decades), people decided it was fun to feed the seagulls at the beach. Unfortunately, today that has resulted in seagulls becoming more aggressive in helping themselves to unprotected bags of unattended food. What is really impressive about this BS is watching people who have been victimized by these roaming gangs of birds, yet their resolution is to tie the bag tighter, and leave, as if that will stop our feathered friends. The best part is the look of SHOCK, SHOCK I TELL YOU, on their faces when they discover they were victimized again, and again, and again…The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Follow-up Q. Should you feed the seagulls on the beach?

A. NO!

BAT BS #4

Music

Q. How should you handle your listening pleasure on the beach?

A. It’s 2013 people! Bring your own personal listening device. Parts of my time at the beach I listen to music, other times I listen to the peaceful rhythmic tones of the waves. Don’t block out nature dude. If your music genre isn’t mine, you’re ruining my day. I won’t blast my classic rock, you don’t blast your Concerto #7 or whatever that is you’re sharing.

Exception: If you are blasting the live broadcast of the hometown team’s MLB game, you’re fine. Everyone (who matters) will want to listen in for a score check from time to time. From the rest of us, thanks for being the one that thought of doing this. Still though, stay at least 10 feet away…that’s BS.

Feel free to add other items to the BAT BS I may have overlooked.